


for every confident step there is a back stab of fear

by insertwittyname



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Trans Chris, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 10:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11251350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insertwittyname/pseuds/insertwittyname
Summary: Chris is proud of his gender and his body, but even the most confident trans person gets dysphoria sometimes.





	for every confident step there is a back stab of fear

**Author's Note:**

> I got a commission for trans Chris and his boyfriend, so here it is!
> 
> (Title from Mirror Breaks Back by Erin McKeown)

Chris scowled a little as he looked in the mirror. It had been a long time since he last studied his body, even longer since he felt any sort of dysphoria about it. No, it was about time it happened again. He had been too comfortable, too happy with it for too long. So, there he stood in his bathroom, glaring at the subtle curve of his waist into his hips, the remnants of the small breasts he could have sworn he’d gotten removed years ago. Even his body hair wasn’t enough as it was before.

It was irrational and he knew it. He knew there was nothing there, that he looked masculine and he hadn’t been misgendered since his sixth month on testosterone (besides the few distant family members who to this day couldn’t accept that he wasn’t a girl). And yet, the nagging voice in his mind was back, saying he was too curvy, his pecs were no more than small breasts, his lack of actual penis made him a woman. His eyes started to tear up and he knew he had to look away, he wanted to so bad, but…something kept him staring at everything wrong with his body.

He was brought back to the years growing up before he knew being trans was an option for him. Chris had been a happy little girl, one who did enjoy the bright colored clothing and had crushes on the boys in his class, but never felt connected to that title. He never felt like he belonged in the “women’s” competitions for gymnastics and figure skating. The dresses he had to wear frustrated him, made him feel wrong, even the ones with the rainbows he really liked. It wasn’t until middle school when he read a book about gay rights around the world that he found the word—transgender. It fit. It made sense. Chris told his sister about it and she just smiled and said she thought there was something different about him. They came up with his new name, Christophe, and she started calling him her brother in their late-night talks when they laid awake under the covers of one of their beds long past their bedtime. He told his parents, who were accepting and other family a year later, started testosterone at 16 and got top surgery just a couple years after.

And now he was 26, facing a whole new body from the one he grew up in but somehow finding the same old flaws. Ones that made him less of a man, ones that made him feel wrong all over again. But maybe if his hips were a little narrower, if his pecs weren’t so pronounced, if it would’ve grown just a little more…Maybe it would finally all be right.

Chris was only brought back from his thoughts when he heard a little knock on the bathroom door, a soft voice whispering through the wood, “Chris? You in there?”

He sighed softly and opened the door, putting on his best reassuring smile when he saw his boyfriend, Adrien, standing there squinting in the bright light of the bathroom, dressed in only his boxers, “I’m coming back to bed, I just had to use the bathroom.”

Adrien looked unsure. Chris knew the other man could read him like a book at all times, but he couldn’t help but hope it wouldn’t work as well when he was tired (and since it was two in the morning, he definitely was). The last thing he wanted to do was worry his boyfriend.

“You were in there for a while, though.” Adrien yawned and shuffled the couple steps forward to lean his head on Chris’s shoulder. Chris wrapped his arms around the taller man, sighing softly when he was asked, “What were you thinking about?”

“Just…dysphoria.”

Chris felt Adrien nod and yawn again before he moved his head back to look at Chris again, “You’re the manliest man I’ve ever seen and I love you.”

“I love you too.” Chris kissed his lips once, then his forehead, “I just don’t love my body right now.”

“I know. And I know it won’t help much, but you do look like a cis guy. That’s how well you pass.”

He smiled at him, “Thank you. I know in theory I’m more than masculine enough, I just…can’t help it.”

Adrien kissed his nose, then moved to kiss his jaw, smiling tiredly, “I know, we all get that way. Just know that no matter what you look like, as long as you identify as a guy, you are one. And I will always love you no matter how you identify.”

“I know. The biggest perk of having a pansexual boyfriend.”

Adrien laughed a little and pulled away a little, holding Chris’s hand to tug him backwards towards the bed, “C’mon, we both need sleep. No more thinking for the night.”

Chris laughed softly and turned the bathroom light off before climbing into bed with him. They curled up together under the covers, Chris resting his head on the larger man’s chest. Once they were comfortable, Adrien tilted Chris’s head up to kiss him once and closed his eyes.

Chris couldn’t help but smile as he cuddled in against him again, closing his eyes, “I love you, mon chou.”

“Love you, too. Sleep well, my manly man.”

“You too.” Chris fell asleep smiling.

 

When Chris woke up the next morning, he was alone in bed. He sighed and rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about the previous night. There was still that doubt, even if it was less than before, the small voice telling him he wasn’t man enough. Chris regretted not getting dressed again when he got up, he could feel the sheets clinging to his chest. After a couple minutes, he worked up the courage to stand and pull on some sweatpants and a shirt of Adrien’s, which he knew would be slightly too big for him. He headed out of their room and to their kitchen, where he was greeted by the smell of coffee and a soft, “Good morning, mon coeur. Sleep well?”

Chris smiled at him and made his way to their little dining table, kissing Adrien’s cheek before going to pour himself a cup of coffee, “I suppose.”

“Are you feeling better today?”

“Not much, but I’m trying.” He sat across from Adrien, adding some sugar to his coffee before taking a sip, “It’s been a while since I’ve felt dysphoric, it may take a while to be fully okay again.”

Adrien reached across the table to hold Chris’s hand, smiling reassuringly, “I understand. If there’s any way I can help, tell me, please. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through it alone.”

“I will. Thank you.” He squeezed Adrien’s hand before reaching for a slice of bread and strawberry jelly they had on the table for breakfast.

After Chris finished eating, he got up and took Adrien’s mug from him, “I think I may go to the rink today. Try to work things out that way.”

Ignoring the unsure look from his boyfriend, Chris headed to their room again to get dressed. Part of him wished he still had his old binders, even though he constantly told other trans masculine people not to bind while exerting themselves. Instead, he wore a loose shirt and pants, trying to ignore the fabrics laid against his body. He gave one last kiss to Adrien before heading out to the rink in the main training facility. After checking to make sure he was alone, Chris sat to put on his skates, then head out onto the ice.

It helped him somewhat the second he was on the ice. This was where he belonged, where he didn’t have to look masculine to make others happy. Even competing, Chris was with the men (even if most of them were technically nonbinary) and was seen as one. As he skated around the rink, he remembered how proud he’d been to come out at first. He knew it would make a statement, that it would make people hate him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Over time, his fanbase grew again and was filled with more queer and trans people who saw him as an inspiration.

After warming up a little, Chris started skating one of his first routines from memory. This was before he’d started skating more provocatively, it was about finding yourself. He couldn’t help but smile as he skated, the song full of hope and joy playing in his head clearly as he did. Each movement was more graceful than back then, thanks to the years of practice and improvement, and it was far easier to make the easier jumps into ones his past self wouldn’t have even imagined he could do.

Thinking about how far he’d come with skating reminded him he’d come a long way with transitioning, too. When he first started testosterone, his only goal had been to not look like a girl. Even with dysphoria, he had to admit he certainly wasn’t the most feminine looking person. Chris fell out of his jump while distracted by the thought and laughed at himself as he sat on the ice. He really was being foolish.

Of course he was a man, and he was more than manly enough, no matter what he looked like. It was obvious to everyone, and it was obvious to him now, too. He looked down at his chest and hips. They weren’t that big and even if they were, it didn’t make him any less of a man. That’s what he would tell the trans guy fans of his.

As Chris stood up and brushed himself off, he heard his phone ring in his jacket pocket. He quickly skated over to it and saw it was Viktor, then smiled as he answered it, “Bonjour, mon ami.”

“I heard you weren’t feeling too well today and thought I would check in. Do you need anything?”

“I’m fine now.” Chris laid down on a bench, “It was just some dysphoria, it isn’t bothering me as much as last night.”

“Good, I’m glad. As long as it isn’t like how it was when you were young.”

Chris smiled, “Not nearly as bad. But thank you for your concern.”

“Of course. You’ll tell me if you need anything, right?”

“I will, Viktor. Go back to loving your fiancé. And tell him I said hi.”

Chris could hear Viktor tell Yuuri quickly, with a slight pause so he could get Yuuri’s response, “He says hello and that you should visit us soon.”

“I plan on it. Talk to you soon.”

“Bye, Chris.”

Chris hung up and sat up on the bench. He looked out on the rink, thankful that he had skating as an outlet for his emotions. It was where he felt most at home, most in touch with who he really was rather than how others saw him. He didn’t have to fit into society’s standards for manhood as long as he was skating, and he was thankful for that. Masculinity was overrated anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> To commission a piece or witness as I slowly fall into the bottomless pit of queer skating hell, follow me @queerchristophe on Twitter!
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated!


End file.
